‘F*** you, I wasn’t going to do anything,’ claims cat

A Nottinghamshire cat known as Big Robert this morning emphatically dismissed claims he was up to something.

One of his neighbours had spotted him eyeing up a hedge and had, in Robert’s opinion, made an “insulting, dismissive and presumptuous ‘pssss’ sound” at him.

As a result, the 15 or so sparrows that had been in the hedge, unaware of the cat’s presence, flew away.

Robert was furious. ‘F*** you,’ he said to the neighbour. ‘I wasn’t even going to do anything. I was just checking that that thing I’d seen in the garden before was still there.’

The cat denied reports that he had form for biting small birds on the head, and was especially outraged by suggestions that he didn’t even bother to eat what he’d killed. When The Lab Report pointed out that several witnesses had seen him wiggling his bottom in readiness to pounce, he simply said: “Prove it” and repeated his earlier obscenity.