Local swan slams ‘time wasters’

Dwayne Roberts, a five-year-old swan, has launched a furious tirade against people he described as “time-wasters”.

The swan, who lives on and around a small loch in central Edinburgh with several of his friends, said he’d “had it up to flipping here” with people who look as if they’re about to present him with bread, but turn out to be empty-handed.

Roberts told The Lab Report: “F***ing muppets. I see them standing at the bank so I stop what I’m doing to go over to them, and instead of being rewarded with a slab of Mother’s Pride I’m left sitting there like a ****ing lemon.

“They seem to think their time is more valuable than mine. They think I’ve got ‘mug’ written across my head.”

Roberts in part blamed the local council for erecting signs discouraging visitors from feeding bread to swans and ducks. The communications explained that bread, white bread in particular, was like junk food to birds and that there was more than enough nutrition available to them in the loch.

“Well, that’s just bollocks,” said Roberts. “And if it isn’t, why don’t they bring their airy-fairy grains and pulses or whatever the sh*t they think we should be eating? At least they wouldn’t be wasting my ****ing time just coming over for a ‘look’.

“A bloody ‘look’, for Christ sake. I’ve never heard of anything so ****ing ridiculous in all my life.”