Pet hedgehog filled with hate for hipster owner

Daniel Gibbons, a Manchester-based hedgehog, has revealed that he despises his owner with “every fibre of his being” and will do everything in his power to “end him”.

The hedgehog, whose owner refers to him as “Daniel-san” but who prefers to go by “Gibbons”, told The Lab Report: “If you ever meet a more insufferable, self-absorbed, self-congratulatory idiot, I, for one, would love to meet him, but I doubt such a thing exists.

“He bought me on the internet and likes to parade me about on social media because he thinks I make him look more interesting. He takes me to meetings in a shoebox and pretends I live in his stupid beard.”

Gibbons says he really doesn’t mind being a house pet, and certainly isn’t interested in the company of other hedgehogs, but just wants to be “left the heck alone”.

“I’m tired, man. I’m so tired. I get really irritable when I haven’t had enough sleep. I think I know how junior doctors feel but they get all the ruddy publicity, don’t they? Just because they’ve been to ‘university’.”

Gibbons vowed that one day he will help his owner “meet his maker” but was unable to expand on how he plans to go about this.