Dog mortified by owner’s Crufts outfit

Ian McDowell, a four-year-old Irish setter, has admitted that he is “deeply embarrassed” by the outfit his owner has chosen to wear while showing him at Crufts this year.

The dog, whose “show name” is Peri-Peri Dewdrop Provincial Conference Suite but prefers to go by “Ian”, threw up in the car as soon as he saw the outfit hanging from the window hook, covered in transparent plastic.

“Christ, but it’s an abomination,” he said. “It’s bad enough that she dyes her long hair to look the same as mine, and that when we arrive she’ll be wearing her ridiculous bloody ‘Keep Calm and Own an Irish Setter’ T-shirt, but you should see what she’s planned for the event.

“It’s a despicable purple velvet trouser suit and there are ruffles on the blouse.

“It’s as if Prince had a crippling thyroid problem and was wearing a Rebekah Brooks wig that had been set upon by hungry puppies.

“She reckons the ‘razzle-dazzle’ suit will give us the edge. We’re going to look like ruddy idiots.”

Ian confessed that he might feign illness to avoid the impending embarrassment.