Three-legged dog happier than you will ever be

Christopher Hayes, a dog with three legs, has let it be known that despite his disability he is happier than you will ever be.

Christopher, who has no idea how or when he lost his leg, made the announcement after the tenth person in the space of half an hour tilted their head slightly and said: “Aw, poor pup,” when they noticed he only had three limbs.

“Mate, I shagged four bitches this week,” he told The Lab Report. “I go to the park three times a day, I go to the beach every weekend, and I can run like the clappers, whatever that means. I’ve got a thousand mates.

“I have my own bed by the fire and I can sit wherever the heck I like at home. Sometimes they feed me from the table and there’s always someone to give me a scritch.

“And yet those people pitying me – they’re all mortgage this and homework that. I hear about midlife crises and millennial angst, about how it’s pointless voting because they’re all bastards anyway, all this pressure to be healthy, look good and do the right thing.

“Mate, I can lick my own balls. See ya!”