Cat explains reasons for suitcase urination

Goody Proctor, a two-year-old cat, has spoken out for the first time about her habit of urinating in suitcases.

Goody’s owner travels regularly for work, and whenever the cat finds his suitcase unzipped – packed or empty – she wastes no time in using it as a makeshift litter box.

Her owner has been torn between feelings of rage at having to replace the expensive luggage and guilt about whatever perceived separation anxiety is causing Goody to carry out these dirty protests.

But the cat told The Lab Report: “It’s nothing to do with him leaving. I couldn’t give a stuff, mate. I just like the way it sounds when I wee on that reinforced nylon fabric.

“It makes a sort of drilling noise, and it’s almost as nice as being in a box, which is something I very much enjoy, as you know.”

Goody’s owner is considering taking a less stimulating, lower-paid job in order to reduce what he believes is stress on his beloved animal, who has one of the prettiest faces in Clapham.

When presented with this information, Goody said: “I don’t care. Why are you telling me?”