Corgi plots bloody revolt

Winston “Che” Hamilton, a Liverpool-based Corgi, has announced that his lifelong dream of toppling the monarchy will soon become a reality.

Quoting French thinker Denis Diderot, Comrade Hamilton told The Lab Report: “Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.”

He added: “‘Men”, in this instance, is shorthand for men, women, children and dogs. Not cats though. They too must be overthrown for they are decadent instruments of this disease of capitalism.”

Comrade Hamilton hadn’t planned to reveal his revolutionary ambitions until May, but was so outraged by a report in The Guardian about the Queen’s corgis being fed on silver platters that he is speeding up the process.

“Apparently this woman, who has no democratic mandate whatsoever, makes her dogs sit in a semi-circle and ‘lets’ them eat in order of seniority. She is humiliating them. Infantilising them. I will not stand for it, and neither should you. We are all of us in chains.”

Comrade Hamilton declined to reveal details of his plans, but hinted that people working at the Post Office “better watch their backs”.