Dudley Farquharson-Moffat, a ten-year-old moggie, has completed several years of research into which areas of the human body are the most delicate.
The findings are part of a study he set up to help cats affected by the all-too-common problem of having to wait longer than necessary for breakfast.
This usually occurs when the humans stay in bed beyond their usual wake-up time – typically over the weekend and after alcohol has been consumed.
Farquharson-Moffat explained the background to his research. “Most of us have been in the unfortunate position of finding our bowls empty long after we’re ready to get on with our days,” he said.
“And most of us have experienced the inconvenience of having to tap faces with our paws, put our bums in faces, purr loudly into ears and so on, in order to accelerate the process.”
He claims his research has established the most efficient and least time-consuming approach to waking up humans.
Initially using a laser pointer to identify parts of the male and female human anatomy (though subsequently discarding this method due to his kittens finding it excessively distracting), he talked The Lab Report through his findings.
“It’s best to walk heavily on the torso, putting as much weight on each paw as possible. With the male human, do your best to stand on the testicles. The females claim their chest areas are as sensitive as testicles, but I wouldn’t go that far.
“Both the male and the female is likely to have a full bladder in the morning, so do what you can to jump onto the lower stomach area – if you can do this from a height, go for it.”