Staffie to treat herself

Daphne, a Glasgow-based Staffordshire bull terrier, has revealed plans to spend a few hours treating herself.

Daphne: hopes to eat some shit

Speaking exclusively to The Lab Report, Daphne explained that had she been planning some lavish experiences for several weeks.

“The next chance I get I’m going to run off in the park and eat some shit,” she said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to really go for it.

“After that, I plan to roll in something properly putrid. I’m hoping to source a dead fox, rabbit or even a pigeon, but you never can tell what you’ll find. I’ll make do with vomit if I have to.”

Daphne, who is of indeterminate age and moved from a rescue shelter to the home of a kind, middle-class family, explained that every now and then she likes to get back to her roots.

“The people I live with don’t understand it and I do my best to be sensitive to their culture, but I’m not a machine. I owe this to myself. I’m worth it.”